09 June 2015

Some people insist on exercising the sincerity of their intentions —LH

Is this sort of an obverse 'one of us cannot be wrong' entitlement,
the extreme and nearly self-congratulatory reverse psych of 'no
it wasn't any good / there's no reason why you should
remember me' It may be that I'm a headcase & the only one
Lol tho talk about self-congratulating and -serving

Guess what it is this time, bug?
'Thoughts and feelings'
yes! How did you
'It's often those with you'

Suppose I am guiding a hand 'not from love // but
from love's parts' (Lyn again). Suppose
sick hysteria (produced of care) prevented me
ascending a car I could have driven out
to meet his calmer iteration—he whom,
that which, I'd join by the whole of love
when capable—as surely as performed before,
living together? despite being too young?—
I'll meet you is what I'm saying. I
(gesturing) see you there. The floor of the emptied sack
of a northern California beach, its gray shell
abalone inside, flaked iridescence,
flatly holds us. We read as two mere added
granules, ribbing the sea-mulch surface.
And here I was convinced
this was the beginning of the end,
still in love and already heartbroken,
enraged and exhausted, desperate for a change.
The wet edges of Ocean Beach curl up
and we reconvene at the base of the newly-thrown bowl.

Pencilled into my copy of Book of 1000 Eyes so presumably written in 2012 in Berkeley

I will eat coffee
an egg sandwich and go
to meet my lover
at the copyshop
I don't know
the best he can do
& so can't say
Is that the best you can do
should he bring bad flowers
you bet i'm neglecting my coursework.

05 June 2015

Making Lace

Women in Love stuff
making lace stuff
sick today

04 June 2015

self-sufficient so a little lonely

02 June 2015

groups i'm not in

i am not educated deeply about the correct things
this is partially my fault mostly but also social
i do not know anything about oakland really
i only fringed at occupy and only in 2011 and only on campus at Cal
i hate kg but that is easy
thinking about race makes me uneasy and makes me feel lucky and stupid, not a flattering or useful combo
i want to care enough? i don't want to care too much. i guess about different things
(interpersonal emotional vulnerability is not the same as but is related to capacity for vocal alliance?)
i can get bored reading the work of the right
and the avant-garde
it's just frank's thing "that really used to wow me" or is it a temporally altered version of that (like, why am i bothering reading this)
eg i can and do often get into the reproduction of available content imported wholesale into a piece but it's usually suggestive of narrative drive or at least of texturing of experience. which is to say am i just a rookie. well yeah. but i hate this novice stuff. i want better writing
i can see a painting and it makes me feel (some type of way) or hear a song and feel some type of way (rich homie quan) (but mongrel coalition says fuck white bitches who sprinkle their verse with rap so i can't say that) (then the frail white says you're fencing me in!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (so how to acknowledge that when i make certain syntax certain music rises in me from my recent hearing? i'm better than pure appropriation - smarter, more sensitive. please please please. wags sad tail. but don't pity me - if i didn't want you to pity me why'd i put 'sad'? here's cheap pathos. here's kg all over again. somebody tell me what to do and how to do it right.)
(there i go throwing my hands up relinquishing responsibility.)